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On Entitlement

Sometimes we have to look past the entitlement we feel.

Not because we are not deserving of that which we feel entitled to,

But because the other person may simply not be capable of giving us what we need.

This could be mentally, emotionally, financially or, spiritually.

It’s easy to vilify people who can’t give us what we want.

It’s even easier to vilify people who don’t want to give us what we want.

Labeling things as good or bad is the quickest way for our minds to process situations when things don’t go our way.

Take a step back and look deeper.

See this person as a human being, with a past and with a perspective of their own.

Understand that people are far too complex to be constricted within the good/bad binary.

Just as your actions that you have taken have been based on your own complexity(that you may not even fully understand).

And sometimes, it’s okay not to understand exactly why someone can’t give us what we want.

It’s okay for things to be left unsaid.

It’s okay not to have closure.

Because things don’t necessarily have to have a definite beginning or a definite end.

People, experiences and relationships are always in motion.

The sooner we loosen our grasp on the ebbs and flows of life,

The more we are able to appreciate things when they come and eventually, when they leave.

Until Next Time,

Vi.

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Advice, Indulge, Inspirations, Lifestyle

Day(I’ve utterly lost count) on psilocybin: Reflections on Self Sabotage

Current time: 1am

Mood: Staring out at the starless Toronto night sky

The thing about self sabotage is, in the moment you are doing it, you think you are protecting yourself, but all you are doing is creating conditions that reaffirm your fears.

As an over thinker(Virgo problems) for a long time, my brain’s default mode has always been about anticipating the worst case scenario in situations, especially when it comes to relationships. And no, this isn’t just one scenario we are talking about, my mind comes up with all the many many possible ways a relationship could go wrong. Intuitively, I am usually trying to brace myself and valiantly create an illusion of preparedness ‘just in case’ these situations arise. And that’s all it is, an illusion.

When the mind is constantly in this state, it becomes hyper aware, and starts looking for proof of the relationship going south. Nothing is ever perfect and if you look for flaws you will always find them. So my brain always finds a flaw, and this flaw disproportionately and unnecessarily ends up reaffirming what my fear is: the relationship ending. So what do I do? In a state of fight or flight, I self sabotage and push away the person I am in a relationship with, in order to avoid this pain that I anticipate will come. However, me walking away is what actually ends the relationship, and not the flaws themselves. How darkly ironic.

Now I know what you’re thinking: This girl needs therapy…yes yes I understand just how unhealthy this mindset can be. Shifting my mindset from a state of hyper awareness and hyper criticism to a state of letting the chips fall where they may has been one of the hardest lessons I have tried implementing in my day to day life. These things take time for sure, but in the short amount of time I have shifted my awareness, I have noticed considerable changes in how I perceive difficulties and setbacks. Present awareness has allowed me to deal with things/life situations as they come in real time, then letting them go when that time has passed.

And at the end of the night, when I am winding down after a day full of dealing with life’s debauchery, I put everything and everyone back down where I found them. I am then left with mental space without the noise or influence of outside energy/made up scenarios. Underneath all this there is a lingering sense of peace, as I let the thoughts be just that, thoughts.

There is something inherently beautiful about embracing uncertainty despite being aware that things could go wrong. Let life surprise you.

Presently yours,

Vi.

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Advice, Lifestyle

Manifesting The Life You Want

Hey word press tribe 🙂

Grateful for a lot of things today; life, family, love and new opportunities.

It took me a long time to understand that anyone can have the life they desire, and that the universe wants that life for you, the best possible life in this lifetime that we are granted.

Now, I am not ignorant to the fact that there can be major obstacles in the way of this, obstacles that we never see coming and that we have absolutely no control over. What we do have control over however, is having the tools and ways in which we can let the universe know that we are ready to receive what it is we truly desire. You want freedom? Figure out the ways in which you let others and most importantly how you let yourself get in the way of freedom. You want love? Figure out what love means to you, and your patterns, coping mechanisms and conditionings that surround love and if you are truly willing to give out as much love as you want to receive. You want a new job? Apply apply apply, put in the work, revise your resume over and over and over. These are just a few examples but you get the point.

But how do you truly manifest the things you want? Visualize, write them down, speak them into existence, embody these desires and wants in your life every. single.day. Train your subconscious mind to operate from a place of “I already have everything I desire” instead of from a place of lack. Say it with me, I will never be in a place of lack, God always has my back.

It’s a wonderful thing to always bet on yourself and continuously believe in the idea of survival of love, joy, beauty and survival of resilience.

Stay manifesting,

Vi

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Advice, Lifestyle

Day 2 of Micro-dosing on Psilocybin

Acceptance. Acceptance breeds presence, which begets contentment.

This morning, I woke up to a realization that I might have to walk away from a certain relationship and I could feel my unhealthy coping patterns creeping up(y’all know those ones).

Here’s the thing, sometimes life happens in ways that you did not choreograph in your head and you have to look at reality in the face and accept that shit, regardless of how painful it is. We tend to be present for the things we love and the things we want to experience, however the real hurdle is practising presence amidst the things we don’t want to see.

Mood Update: Feeling balanced, calm and collected. Anxiety and depression who??

Focus: I could write a book right now!

Overall: The second time micro-dosing feels more natural than the first, my body is starting to get used to this I guess?

Acceptance enables us to hold all our experiences in their fullness, and when we are able to hold space for our experiences, we are able to let them go with ease.

As much as I want to hold on to this relationship, deep insight is calling me to keep moving, with love and detachment. After all, detachment isn’t so much about letting go, as it is about letting things be.

Until next time,

Vi.

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Lifestyle

Day 1 of Micro dosing on Psilocybin

Hey heyy,

It’s your girl Vi back on her bullshit, but this time I am bringing something pretty exciting for yall. I promise it was worth the wait 😉

But seriously though, LIFE am I right?? I had forgotten how much I loved blogging. You never really realize how much your passions really contribute to your happiness until the universe gently steers you in that direction(I use the term gently with a grain of salt)

So I have been subconsciously mauling over the concept of micro dosing for a while. I have watched videos, done research, listened to my friends’ testimonies, you know all that jazz. But I never really felt ready to try it until this moment. On the 22nd of October 2020. For those of you who are also wondering about trying to micro-dose, don’t do it until it feels right. And I am talking about feels right in your soul type of shit.

Okay enough with the rambling, I know y’all are here for the results. I took 100mg of the Golden Teacher strain with my breakfast and let me tell you I was expecting the universe to open up and for me to be sucked into the parallel dimension(that we all know exists) BUT:

An hour in: Hmm, I feel oddly awake, no matter, I shall get up and get ready for the day.

Two hours in: I feel kind of mentally exhausted, maybe a nap will help. *Takes a two hour nap*

Three hours in: Wakes up from nap, feeling an energetic block being brought up to the surface, feelings of inadequacy arise, still feel a tad sad but not unbearable. At this point I am aware of what is happening. I am being forced to deal with the energetic block. So what do I do? I turn up some music, I recite some positive affirmations.

Three hours and a few cries in: There’s a sense of peace that dawns upon me, and finally the realization that I am going to be fine, I am always going to be fine.

So what did I do? I whipped out my laptop and started writing. And there it is folks, my first day micro-dosing. Current mood right now: My head feels clear, I am excited for the day, I am ready to tackle life by the balls.

Oddly yours,

Vi.


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#Travel, Lifestyle

An Ode to Going Back Home

To all my fellow immigrants,

Who left a part of themselves back home,

I see you.

I know the feeling of leaving all the love that is back home and venturing into a foreign land that may or may not accept you.

I know the feeling of yearning,

Yearning for the familiarity that you grew up with.

Longing for the friendly neighbour who lived down the street from you,

The neighbour who would let you pick mangoes from their tree.

Missing the aunty (who was not really your aunty) who lives up the hill,

The aunty who knew all the details about your life and accepted you as their own.

Yearning for your grandmother’s food,

Food that nourished your soul in no other way anything could.

I know that sometimes, you ask yourself if going abroad was worth losing all that for a while.

I mean, we are always told that the grass is greener as soon as you board that plane,

But you learn that the grass has always been green at home.

The earth has always been rich,

Your ancestors’ energy has always been the strongest.

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It felt so good to be back home.

It felt like this is what my body has been telling me to do since I left.

To come back home.

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To all my fellow immigrants,

Take pieces of your home with you.

Pictures, jewelry, recipes, anything.

If you haven’t called your grandparents in a while, just know they miss you, and they love you. So call them.

And lastly,

Try visiting if you can. Go back and remind yourself that you have a place that will always accept you. A place that will always have love for you.

A place that you can always call home.

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Advice, Lifestyle

Fragility in the Modern Age

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Someone once told me, the ability for one to feel and to display vulnerability and emotional fragility, is a pure display of the epitome of human existence. Darwin’s theory of evolution aside, the complexities of human emotion and the innate ability to discern these emotions is our super power. In this day and age, we have inherently managed to strip a part of our humanity away by trying to numb our emotions as much as possible, lest we are perceived as ‘weak’. Love, anger, happiness, hate, passion etc. These are all waves of energy moving in and out of a bigger wave of energy known as the human body. With humans being considered top of the food chain, we could really learn a lot from our fellow animal species. For instance, if we spent a day in the life of a puppy, you’ll notice in awe at how they are fully able to dive into their emotional energy. This allows them to exist completely in the present. That’s what real living is. Time non-existent, heart open, using emotions as an extension of our deepest core that would otherwise never get the chance to be expressed.

No one really knows why we’re here, or even what ‘here’ is. All we can be sure of, is what we feel, and what we do with what we feel. We are in the age of mistrusting what we feel. We question, we deny, we distract. However, the body never lies. If you listen closely, your body will tell you everything you need to know. When we really tune into the energetic humming of our heartbeat, our breath, our senses, at that moment, nothing else really matters.

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Emotional vulnerability is not and never will be a weakness. In-fact, it’s a bridge that connects us human beings by extending those deeper ties. Now, I should probably address the elephant in the room. One of the main reasons people fear being vulnerable,  is the possibility of them being hurt in any way. This possibility far outweighs the benefits of having a life changing connection with someone through emotional vulnerability. We(or dare I say our egos) are so afraid of being rejected & hurt that we have become capable of coexisting while successfully dodging  intimacy. Yes of course there is going to be rejection and everyone is going to get hurt at the hands of someone else. That’s one of the inevitable conditions that accompanies life’s one way ticket. But being hurt due to having a deep emotional connection with someone does not diminish the existence of that experience and the lessons that you could learn from it.  The human experience is laden with connections. These connections allow us to learn from each other by learning about each other. Personally, being a very passionate person about a lot of things, emotional vulnerability comes very easy to me (Too easy sometimes). However, I can confidently say that it’s these emotional connections I’ve had that have taught me the significant lessons I needed to learn.

So my friend, I urge you to remain open. It will be a whirlwind at first, learning how to feel. But humans endured building Rome for 276 years, I’m sure you can handle a whirlwind of emotions.

Until next time,

Vi.

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Advice, Inspiration, Lifestyle

(Almost) Quarter Life Crisis

Sunday morning, fall sunlight, 90’s music in the background, wake and bake. What could be better than that right? However, as I sit here, in my new apartment right in the middle of one of the biggest cities in Canada, I can’t help but think “Is this is what adulting is like???”

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See the thing is, no one ever really tells you about the early twenties. All everyone ever talks about, is your prime years being 25-30, getting married and having kids in your thirties while hopefully having discovered your dream career and taking vacations every year to (Insert any tropical island here). So today my friends, we are going to talk about my official almost quarter life crisis.

Being in my early twenties, I feel like (I should be) an adult about 70% of the time, the other percent is represented by me trying to get away with childish tendencies.(Audience laughs). I mean, as much as I am trying not to grow up too fast, I also want to establish myself and create opportunities for myself in this world. In all ways that applies to. BUUT at the same time, I’d rather not deal with figuring out how to get my taxes done or colour co-ordinate my furniture. Sometimes I want to be, just be, without all the complications and responsibilities that come with adulting. For me, growing up has been about creating a home for myself, within myself. But how do you even begin to create something so intangible?

Trying to create a home away from home is all about creating a space that makes sense for you in whatever period of life you are in. Some people even create homes in other people. Being in my early twenties, I have had to think about what a home means to me, and who I am when I leave home. Do/Can I necessarily take it with me? If I plan on taking part in the nomad life for a while, will home be something I have to recreate at each destination? But if we go with the alternative, which is home being a place I can always get back to, then won’t I feel a sense of incompleteness if I’m not at home? I know, these are definitely the kinds of questions everyone should ask themselves on a Sunday morning.

A lot of the times, it’s easy for our minds to rush to the future for what life is going to be like at your “prime”/best years. To quote one of my favourite authors, Eckhart Tolle, “You can always cope with the present moment, but you cannot cope with something that is only a mind projection.” In this case, the mind projection being unnecessary worries about the timeline of life, which is clearly imposed by societal standards. Well, all I have to say is fuck society and its timelines and YES to taking each day as it comes.

At this very moment, on this Sunday morning, I am enjoying my cup of tea while basking in the morning sun. The feeling of home is closer than ever, and being in my early twenties has never felt so good.

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Inspiration, Lookbook

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Summer is FINALLY here. It feels like life has been bestowed back into the world again. With great weather calls for more photoshoots and that means more blog posts. Yay!

Today’s outfit is more on the business casual side, as I find that is the style I lean more towards nowadays. (Does this mean I’m finally becoming an adult?) The era for high waisted shorts and crop tops is coming to a fateful end, as fun as it was. It’s important not to sacrifice comfort for trend. I mean the more comfortable you are in what you wear, the more confident you feel overall.

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Top: Forever21                Trousers: Thrifted

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Blazer: Topshop              Earrings: Forever21

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Shoes: Forever21

This hot weather gives you a great opportunity to experiment with pastel and brighter colours. After realizing that 90% of my wardrobe is black, no shame I had to go out and bring some brighter colours into my life. Learning how to work with a multitude of colours can give your closet more variety when it comes to mix&matching, colour blocking, and self expression in general.

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Gold Crystal Bracelet: Urban Outfitters

 

 

 

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Advice, Inspiration

Life is Cyclic

Happy Saturday my loves, guess who’s back from the depths of the earth after a long long long period of silence! Today, I want to talk about exactly that, something I have been struggling with for some time now. I very much believe in the power of transparency and vulnerability. I hope that sharing my journey with mental illness will inspire others to do the same, and through opening up to one another we can spark conversation and crush the stigma that divides us all.

At the end of the day, none of us are perfect obviously, and we can’t always be happy, joyful or present all the time. We are all struggling with something. When I decided to start a blog, my aim was to connect with and reach an audience, and hopefully inspire people along the way as well. As my blog has grown throughout the past few years, I have found a sense of community, where you can discover that other people are going through the same things that you might be going through, and that you are never alone.

Today, I want to talk about my struggle with depression. Struggling with depression has been incredibly tough and has knocked me down more heavily than I would like to admit. Having grown up in a belief system that mental illnesses are something you just need to “Get over”, I have had to sit down with myself and accept that yes, this struggle is part of my journey, and yes, this is something that I am not ashamed of despite the stigma around it. For all the times when I’ve been told, “Why are you depressed you have so much to be thankful for” or “Why are you always so negative all the time” or “Just calm down and relax and everything will be fine”. For all the times I have felt guilty about being depressed because yes, I do have many many things to be grateful for, but yet I still questioned why I felt that heavy feeling of sadness and dread over my shoulders. It’s important that we educate ourselves on how to approach and have conversations about and with people who are suffering from mental illnesses.

Through my struggle with depression, I have learnt to hold myself, and to comfort myself through the pain. I have learnt to lean on others and be okay with it, I have learnt that getting help when necessary is nothing to be ashamed of, and trusting that I will always find a way to get through it. I have learnt that my depression does not and will never define me, that I am a whole person outside of my trauma and obstacles that I face. I have learnt that yes, it’s completely okay to take some time off from the mediums through which I choose to express myself to the world, such as social media, and even my blog.

Taking time off to take care of yourself is necessary, because as human beings we are constantly giving off our energy into our careers, relationships and friendships. I am lucky enough to have people who support me and push me to be the best version of myself, despite seeing the “not so good” sides.

Life is cyclic, there are days when it’s incredibly hard to get up in the morning, and it’s not because of lack of sleep. There are other days when I can’t wait to see another day and experience the world for all it’s splendour. It’s important that despite everything, we embrace ourselves for who we truly are, in our entirety and not see ourselves as a reflection of our struggles. After all, we are only human, and we are doing our best at it.

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