Current time: 1am
Mood: Staring out at the starless Toronto night sky
The thing about self sabotage is, in the moment you are doing it, you think you are protecting yourself, but all you are doing is creating conditions that reaffirm your fears.
As an over thinker(Virgo problems) for a long time, my brain’s default mode has always been about anticipating the worst case scenario in situations, especially when it comes to relationships. And no, this isn’t just one scenario we are talking about, my mind comes up with all the many many possible ways a relationship could go wrong. Intuitively, I am usually trying to brace myself and valiantly create an illusion of preparedness ‘just in case’ these situations arise. And that’s all it is, an illusion.
When the mind is constantly in this state, it becomes hyper aware, and starts looking for proof of the relationship going south. Nothing is ever perfect and if you look for flaws you will always find them. So my brain always finds a flaw, and this flaw disproportionately and unnecessarily ends up reaffirming what my fear is: the relationship ending. So what do I do? In a state of fight or flight, I self sabotage and push away the person I am in a relationship with, in order to avoid this pain that I anticipate will come. However, me walking away is what actually ends the relationship, and not the flaws themselves. How darkly ironic.
Now I know what you’re thinking: This girl needs therapy…yes yes I understand just how unhealthy this mindset can be. Shifting my mindset from a state of hyper awareness and hyper criticism to a state of letting the chips fall where they may has been one of the hardest lessons I have tried implementing in my day to day life. These things take time for sure, but in the short amount of time I have shifted my awareness, I have noticed considerable changes in how I perceive difficulties and setbacks. Present awareness has allowed me to deal with things/life situations as they come in real time, then letting them go when that time has passed.
And at the end of the night, when I am winding down after a day full of dealing with life’s debauchery, I put everything and everyone back down where I found them. I am then left with mental space without the noise or influence of outside energy/made up scenarios. Underneath all this there is a lingering sense of peace, as I let the thoughts be just that, thoughts.
There is something inherently beautiful about embracing uncertainty despite being aware that things could go wrong. Let life surprise you.